Really, it is uncanny. I already told you about how on the first morning of her visit, the minute that Brooke asked where “her” monkeys were; they were scampering across my roof. That was not a made up story… it is absolutely true.
It gets better.
On the Saturday of Bigg’s visit, we took my usual Saturday morning hike down to the farmers’ market (stopping at Soda Sanchez for gallo pinto on the way) and trip to Gringo Mas. While we were in the Gringo Mas checkout line, Brooke decided that she desperately needed a visor. And I mean desperately.
If you have ever seen a lesbian go for 3 days, in the sun, without a visor… you might understand her level of desperation. As I have been to the Russian River, I knew this was the equivalent of me not having the right heels to wear on a hot date, and told Brooke to run across the street to the “mall” as she might find a visor there. When I use the word “mall,” I don’t want you to have any fancy visions of a mall back in the states; there are no Banana Republic stores in Quepos. However, at the “mall” as they call it, you will find a watch store, a place to buy fish, a butcher with pigs hanging in the back and a couple of “tourist” stores. While I knew she wouldn’t have great options, desperate times call for desperate measures.
Brooke came back pretty quickly (something I envy about the lesbian population – and yes I know I am stereotyping – shopping is not a long drawn out exercise… rather, you see what you want, it fits, you buy it) with a visor decorated with “pura vida” (the pure life – a Tico saying) and a gecko.
When she showed it to me, I said it was cute, but would be better if it had a monkey on it. Brooke said she disagreed, and that she would prefer a sloth. She then went on to “complain” (and I use that word very generously here, as Brooke not only didn’t complain during her trip, but was fascinated and thrilled the whole time) that she had not seen a sloth at my house. When I pointed out she had seen many at the National Park, she said that she knew that, but hadn’t been close enough to get a really good picture (without the benefit of the tour guide’s telescope). We then joked about my first day in Costa Rica and seeing the sloth crawl across the road. I also told her that Lara claimed that during her visit, she saw the same thing.
Brooke “whined” about how it wasn’t fair, and she wanted to see a sloth up close in the road… and I laughed and asked “When will it be good enough?”
We got in a cab to take our grocery’s home and when we had just passed my former school, the cab driver pulled over to the side of the road. At first I thought maybe I had told the cab driver the name of the school instead of the property where I live, but noticed that he kept looking back. When I asked him what we were doing, he pointed behind him where I saw a sloth in the road.
I yelled to Brooke to get out (she hadn’t yet realized what was happening, seems my Spanish skills are better than I thought), telling her that her wishes had come true…again. All the while not believing that once again right after she said she wanted something, it was here (Hey Biggs, how about saying you want me to win the lottery?).
In my mind, I just knew that Brooke was going to have the same experience I had… she was going to get to watch a Tico carry the sloth across the road to safety…only this time, I was going to help stop the cars.
To our dismay, our taxi driver grabbed a large bamboo stick off the side of the road and attempted to push the sloth to safety. While his intentions were very good, if you could have seen the results of his intentions, it would have upset you.First of all, the sloth looked like he was being violated from behind, if you know what I mean. But worse, when our taxi driver pushed the stick up to his behind, it resulted in the sloth’s head curling under his body, as he couldn’t move fast enough to “self correct.”
In my attempt to try to make things better for the sloth, I resorted to my usual stressful time Spanish proficiency and said “No me gusta.” As it turns out, when I am in stressful situations, I am only able to form VERY short and simple sentences (if you can call them sentences) in Spanish… and am not able to use any descriptive words. Though even in hindsight, when I am not stressed, I don’t really know the polite way to use “usted” in the sentence “Quit shoving a stick up his butt and carry him across the street.”
While Brooke was not resorting to bad Spanish, it was clear that she was also very upset with the current situation. In case you don’t know Brooke, she, like my Mother, loves animals more that she loves people. While it is an endearing quality, I don’t ever want to be stuck in a sinking car with either of them and a dog… I would be destined to drown.
So I said to Brooke… “We need to carry him across the road.”… and clearly by “we” I meant “her.” She made some comment about how I should do it, so I quickly pointed out that she was only here for a week, yet I had 2 ½ more months for sloth carrying. I mean all along she had been saying that she wanted to live out the full Costa Rican experience…I was only trying to encourage her to do so.
She then asked if sloths bit (which made me laugh) and I reassured her that even if they wanted to be mean, they couldn’t move quickly enough to do so. But I understand her fear, if you have ever met Shirley (Brooke’s little spit fire of a dog) you would know why Brooke was cautious.
Keep in mind, everything that I am describing here took place in about a 30 second time frame, but that was just long enough for me to convince Brooke that she needed to save the sloth. So she, reluctantly, picked up the sloth and carried it to safety.
Brooke claims that when she picked up the sloth it first grunted and then squealed, but I was standing right next to them and heard nothing – not a peep. I think that Brooke expected the sloth to make noises and thus played the noises out in her mind. This is, after all, coming from the woman who YELLS in her sleep and makes noises that you have never heard before… so this sound creation wouldn’t be far fetched.But I have to give Brooke props… she picked up a sloth and carried it to safety. How many people do you know who can say that? Now she can no longer ever complain that she hasn’t seen a sloth up close.
And for the record, as you would expect, she said the sloth was coarse and rough…and immediately washed her hands when we got home.
But here is the most fascinating part about the whole story… when you look at this picture… will you please notice that Brooke has actually taken on the facial characteristics of a sloth? And if you click on the picture it will open to fit your full screen… I encourage you to do so as you will see one of the funniest pictures you have ever seen in your life. A picture that has provided me with more tear filled laugher than anything I can remember in the last 5 years.
As Brooke wants to spend more time in Costa Rica, she has decided to start a sloth carrying business. We have begun to come up with slogans…“Your morning commute getting you down due to sloths in the road? For the fastest and most effective sloth removal, call Brooke, she offers a money back guarantee and will honor any competitors coupons.”
So hats off to you Brooke, you saved the life of a sloth. Mother Nature thanks you for saving the sloth. I thank you for the face that you made while doing so.
