While I had to work during the weekdays, I was able to spend the whole weekend hanging out with Brooke. As we had filled our day on Saturday saving the sloths and relaxing at the beach, we needed another fun filled activity for Sunday.
I had heard that the ATV tours were fantastic – and as you have previously discovered, while I can certainly be a classy girl (quit laughing)… I can also put on my trash suit and play that part too. Clearly I am very versatile; and if white trash is good enough for Clooney, it is good enough for me.
I asked Brooke if she would be interested in the ATV tour, and she agreed. I didn’t think twice about the ATV tour and was surprised that Brooke was a little nervous once we got there. Brooke, as it turns out, is a little bit of a scaredy cat. (Yes I know she carried a sloth across the street… but did you see the face she made?) Me on the other hand, put me behind the wheel (or handlebars in this case), and I am a happy girl…oh and the ability to remain on the ground is also a bonus. We chose the early morning tour and were picked up at my place a little after 7 a.m. rearing and ready to go.
I need to take this opportunity to give quick props to Brooke. For those of you who know Brooke, you know she is NOT a morning person. As she is a writer and works from home, she has a lot of flexibility in her schedule… thus she is a night owl who sleeps late every day. I also think that the all night yelling in her sleep prevents her from getting quality rest (or maybe that was just me) so she needs the extra morning zzz’s to make up for it.
I had warned Brooke in advance that the best time of day here is always the morning and that she would need to get up early every day in order to maximize the hours before the rains came in the afternoon. Brooke was a trooper… every morning she was up and at ‘em with no complaints and then would take a nap in the afternoon either on the beach or at my house while it was raining. That is the perfect way to get the best out of Costa Rica this time of year. Future visitors take note.
After picking us up for our day of ATV riding, they took us way out to the middle of nowhere to begin our tour. There were 4 other people on the tour… two redneck college boys from Mississippi and a redneck father and son from Florida. While Brooke and I were friendly to them, and ignored the first 10 or so offensive things they said, we stopped talking to them after they began a conversation about the current flooding in the Midwest. At first the conversation was harmless and sympathetic… but that didn’t last long. They then began to talk about how we should notice that there weren’t any of “those people” standing on their roofs stuck like there were in New Orleans. It didn’t end there, but I won’t waste my time with the rest; I decided I wasn’t going to let a chubby closed minded idiot ruin my day of racing through mud puddles. No sir.
When we arrived at the ATV "office," we signed our life away, paid an absurd amount of money and were given the usual “thorough” guide instructions:
1. most of the time we will be in 3rd gear
2. watch for my hand signals
3. brake with both your foot and your hand at the same time
4. these ATV’s have engines right below where you sit, so when we go through the puddles (of which there are many this time of year), you must put your feet up on “the dashboard” because steam will come out and burn your legs
Great. Aside from bird watching, there doesn’t seem to be any activity here that does not involve risking hospitalization. But hospitalization is still my preferred choice if my only other option is bird watching. At least if I am in the hospital I stand a chance of seeing an attractive guy.
After our 2 minute skin saving lesson, we were given helmets to put on. The helmets were full fledged motorcycle helmets… that clearly have been used for years… and have the funk to prove it. Might I recommend that others who do this trip put a bandana on their head as to avoid direct contact with the helmet padding? There also aren’t a lot of helmet options, so regardless of the size of your head, they take a one size fits all approach. My Dad would be screwed.
The Russell side of my family has very large heads… which I was “blessed” to inherit. While I like claim that my large head it is simply to hold my massive brain, we all know that is not true… it is just that I can’t really come up with any redeeming value for having a big head, especially when it comes to hat buying and apparently now, helmet wearing.
Because of this Russell trait, getting my helmet on was a little bit of a challenge and required a little pushing and grunting, but I was eventually successful. Brooke, on the other hand, clearly comes from a family of tortoises and had the total opposite problem. Brooke’s head is tiny (clear proof that there is no direct correlation between size of the head and IQ) and her helmet was absolutely huge (in comparison to her head at least) and was constantly shaking all around. If she didn’t have a chin strap, she could have hung her head upside down and the helmet would have easily fallen off. Nothing like feeling confident with your safety equipment.
I also think that having the extra space in the helmet allowed for the fumes of funk from the previous ATV’ers to come through more strongly as they had room to circulate as the wind and bumps moved her helmet around. While I previously said that Brooke didn’t complain at all during her trip, I have to amend that statement, as Brooke spent a lot of time on the ATV tour complaining about the funk smell coming from her helmet. She kept asking me if my helmet smelled, and when I would tell her yes, she didn’t believe me, or at least didn’t believe that mine smelled as badly as hers. But as I don’t play the “this stinks, smell it” game, I decided to take her word for it and allow her the title of smelliest helmet.
We began our trip with legitimate practice runs, which thankfully were nothing like the “practice run” they had me take at 450 feet in the air on the zip line. After Carlos (our guide) decided we were all sufficiently capable of handling the 4 wheelers, we set out. Our ride consisted of going up and down some long dirt roads and through some small Tico towns. We also passed some beautiful scenery, including mountains, but it was hard to really appreciate the scenery as we were cruising down roads watching for puddles in an attempt to avoid setting our legs on fire.
Please notice how Bigg's helmet is falling down across her face and mine is almost suctioned to my head.
Our first stop was at a “waterfall,” which is a generous term used in their advertisement documents. While it is a beautiful stream with water running over rocks, a waterfall it is not… esp. when compared to La Fortuna. However, the water was very refreshing...and by refreshing I mean cold (it was the first time I have experienced the feeling of coolness in the last 3 months) and we enjoyed the cool off.
Brooke, Carlos and I were the only ones who got in… the rest of the group were cry babies; though the redneck Dad did get in for a minute. Once we got all the way in, the water felt great and we adapted very quickly. Carlos then climbed up the rocks to lie under the “rapids” which seemed like a great idea to me and Brooke; so we followed suit. Aside from almost losing my bathing suit bottom and giving the rednecks the show of a lifetime, it was a great feeling to lay there. Biggs loved it too, and as she had on board shorts, she didn't face the same nearly very embarrassing situation I did.
After drying off, we headed to a local restaurant for breakfast…including my favorite…gallo pinto. Notice if you look at my plate, there is NOTHING left. My plate is always empty when gallo pinto is involved.
After our bellies were full, we began to head back. On our way, Carlos pulled over and grabbed a leaf off of a plant on the side of the road. He explained this leaf was henna, and if we rubbed it on our hands, it would “stain” them. He then walked down the row and gave tattoos to each of us. I mean what is the point of going on an ATV ride if you can’t get a tattoo? When he got to me, I requested “monos en el centro de corazon” (which I think is how you say you want a heart with the word monkey in the middle). While he gave me the heart, he did not write “monos” inside. Oh well. There is always Miami Ink.
Our tour ended at a house with chained up dogs that they warned us not to get close to, cold beer and ping pong. The perfect ending to a redneck day: ATV rides, swimming in the creek, getting tattoos, listening to racist comments, drinking beer and playing ping-pong with chained up dogs barking in the background. What more could a country girl want? I loved it all, aside from the racist comments.
Over all, we had a great time. The ATV tour was fun, though I think overpriced. However there was not a single moment on the trip where I thought I might die… which in my mind has a significantly high value.As it was a day of redneck activities, I thought I would end this with a few Jeff Foxworthy jokes:
If you’ve ever gotten an official letter of recognition from a tobacco or beer company…. You might be a redneck.
If you've ever had to scratch your sister’s name out of a message that begins,"For a good time call..." … You might be a redneck.
If you think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk…. You might be a redneck.
If anyone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this!" … You might be a redneck.
